Assertiveness means standing up for oneself and being straightforward and honest with yourself and others about what you need and want. It is a part of effective communication. You can say without feeling guilty. It is not aggression nor is it passiveness. This skill is important for teens to overcome negative peer influence.
Passiveness is can include the following attributes: giving in to the will of others, hoping to get what you want without having to say it, leaving it to others to decide for you. Being submissive, talking quietly, giggling, looking down or away, sagging shoulders, hiding the face with hands and avoiding disagreement.
Aggressiveness means expressing your feelings or desires in a way that threatens or punishes others. It means insisting on your rights while denying their rights. It means dominating, shouting, demanding and not listening to others. It means looking down on people, saying others are wrong and blaming, threatening, or fighting with others.
Assertiveness means telling someone exactly what you want in a way that does not seem rude or threatening. It means standing up for your rights without endangering the rights of others. It means knowing what you need and Want. It means expressing yourself with “I” statements say “I feel” not “You…”. It means looking people in the eye and standing your ground.
How can you become more assertive?
Decide what you feel or want and say it. Don’t be afraid to be honest about your feelings. Being confident about your own feelings will encourage others to respect them as well. Someone who truly loves you will not want to do things that make you feel unhappy.
Look people in the eye. Eye contact is an important part of being assertive. It tells the other person that you are serious about what you are saying and that you are paying close attention to whether or not they are listening to you.
Do not make excuses. Your feelings are the best reasons. For example, if you do not feel ready for sex, but your girlfriend or boyfriend is pressuring you, avoid using other people as excuses. Say what you really feel.
Do not seek approval from others. If you do not want to do something, say so clearly and do not ask if it is alright. Show other people that you know your own mind and are not looking for their approval.
Do not get confused by the other person’s argument. Keep repeating what you want or do not want. Stand your ground and do not give in.
You have a right to change your mind. Perhaps you and your boyfriend talked about sex a few days ago and you told him that you would have sex with him. But you thought about it and now you feel sure that the time is not right – that you are not ready and that the relationship is not ready. He says: “But you agreed that we could have sex.” Tell him: “I’ve changed my mind. I’ve decided I don’t feel ready.” If he truly loves you, he will respect your right to change your mind, and he will wait until you feel ready.